What if clouds and lakes switched spots and every time you looked up you’d see waves being pulled by the moon and we’d wade through the clouds on a hot day. What if birds grew grass and the ground grew feathers. What if flowers were as tall as trees and trees as small as flowers.
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May I?
Clouds pull in like a haze that blurs everything in its path except your voice.
A voice that kept screaming you didn’t care.
You just didn’t care.
All I knew was running,
Running down the stairs,
Running from my cares,
And hoping you’d somehow catch me.
Pantries full of delicate desserts of any flavor my mind could imagine.
White, chalky desserts, to numb my mind of anything sweet and sound.
I fell to the floor of a porcelain pool,
First with hot steam that soon turned red.
Salt mixed with rain and finally controlling the pain, but can’t say it was refreshing.
Rock bottom was comfortable and full of silent slumber,
However chalk turned to liquid and suddenly my body went limp.
(I know you still don’t care.)
If pain is the only thing my life will allow me to control,
Then scars will pile up like memories of you and I once before.
And if silence is comfortable and sweet,
Then I’ll live with pillowed dreams
in red stained sheets.
Prequel to you
One way ticket to paradise,
One way ride to heaven.
The clouds meet the fog in front of my eyes, the stars bright enough to illuminate you.
Then me.
How could the nails digging in my back be such a pleasurable thing?
I’ll do anything to simply feel.
Usually that means ripping the heart out that lies along my sleeve.
Sometimes being numb can even heal.
I’ll sink my teeth into your neck just tangle my veins with yours.
How could the words that flow like rivers make me cry so many tears?
Rather get high off all the pills I left back months ago.
Pop 1, 2, 3, floating in a mist of you.
Then me.
Spiraling into people, hands that mimic your touch, lips I cannot bear to lust.
How can I be so lost in the chambers of my mind but here in your arms I’m found?
I’ll lie here until the pain subsides,
Lay here until you’re actually mine.
Let blankets muffle my screams, let speakers project my laughs.
As I’ve said it before and here I’ll say it again- if I’m going to drown, it better be in sin.
How can love be such a excruciating thing, when all you do is make my heart sing?
1. Know that you are still blooming, and this is okay.
2. Write handwritten love notes to the parts of yourself you hate.
3. Find the comfort in holding your own hand.
4. Remember, even clouds cry sometimes.
5. Date yourself. Get to know yourself again.
6. Learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.
7. Do something that scares you every day, no matter how small. Watch your life change.
8. Stop wishing for a vacation and make your life into something you don’t wish to escape from.
9. Recognize that the best artists color outside the lines. You have the same freedom in your life. Break conventions.
10. Go to the florist on the corner and buy yourself some flowers. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.
11. Throw out your premeditated list of qualities for your perfect mate. That special person is not a recipe or equation. Humans are more than that.
12. Share your testimony. Our story is meant to be heard. Find your voice.13. Wish to be more like rain than snow. Snow is frigid and hardens. Rain is vulnerable and soft.
14. Look at your veins. They are roots, and your limbs are branches. Your body is a strong tree. Don’t you dare cut it down.
15. Strive to have the humility as the sun. It shines brilliantly every day without needing anyone to notice.
16. Flip through old photos and reminisce about the past, but do not live there. Nothing new happens there.
17. Dust off the fingerprints of any past lover left on your skin. You belong only to yourself.
18. Become the person you’d like to fall in love with.
19. Loving yourself again will be like putting on eyeglasses. The blur will fade and you will see yourself for what you truly are: beautiful.


